Tales Out of School
When I was in school, during health class they would give you little red tablets to chew. They were initially solid red dye #1, then #2, then #3, briefly #4 before going back to #3. The idea was that you would chew these tablets up, then brush your teeth like crazy. After fifteen minutes of brushing you would look in your mouth, and wherever you saw traces of red dye remaining, that was where you were going to get mouth cancer.
When I was in school I skipped grade two. That made me unusual in my little country school. Most people skipped all the grades after six.
When I was in school, one of the girls wanted to play doctor. I wanted to be a podiatrist and she wanted to be a chiropodist. I've never understood what all the fuss was about playing doctor.
When I was in school, my parents bought me a memory foam mattress. But it saw some horrible things, and started repressing its memories. We had to get it into therapy.
When I was in school, I kissed a girl and made her toes curl. She said it was hammer toe, they always did that. Wow. I kissed a girl and gave her hammer toe.
When I was in school I asked my parents to get me "A Barrel Full of Monkeys" for Christmas. But they didn't know I meant the game. They didn't poke any air holes in the barrel. It was a traumatic Christmas.
When I was in school we had Elmer the Safety Elephant. He said always look both ways before crossing the street. A lot of my classmates were run down at our town's five-way intersection.
When I was in school we learned about school children in Africa. They had Elmer the Rampaging Bull Elephant. He wasn't about safety at all.
When I was in school I learned math. It took a half an hour. It turns out there are only nine numbers. Zero doesn't exist, by definition.
When I was in school, during art class they would give us some grey stuff to model into things. It turns out it was asbestos, which when you add water to it becomes a kind of a gooey mess that you can press into a shape and it will stay that way when it dries. I made a grey, lumpy lung out of mine.
When I was in school my girlfriend asked me if I wanted to go all the way. What an insensitive thing to ask I told her. Marriage, kids, a mortgage and finally side-by-side plots in some lonely cemetary. Of course I didn't want to go all the way. I just wanted sex.
When I was in school my mother used to send me to the store to buy things. I hated getting deodorant. She liked the invisible, unscented kind. The only way to find it in the store was by echo location.
When I was in school a bully I was staring at said what's your problem. I said this may take a while; how much time do we have.
When I was in school I had a T shirt that said will give sex for food on the front and will give food for sex on the back. I didn't get the girls either coming or going.